Teary-Eyed & Revealing

I can't explain what's been happening to me lately, but suffice it to say, I've been shedding a lot of tears.  Now, anyone who knows me knows that I can cry at the drop of a dime.  Whether I'm happy, sad, angry, scared, excited, stressed, whatever.  I'm crying right now as I write this.  But, what's got me bothered is not that I've been crying a lot.  What's bothering me is why I'm crying.  It's all about revelations.  Not the book of the Bible (which is actually Revelation, minus the "s"), but something revealed.  The dictionary list it as "something revealed, especially a dramatic disclosure of something not previously known or realized".  How screwed up must I be not to have previously realized things that were staring me right in the face for the longest time?  It is hurting my heart to know that I've played such a significant role in this madness and if it weren't for some other madness (that had nothing to do with me) I would still be in the dark. 

I know this probably doesn't make sense to anyone reading this, but I can't go any further into detail.  The wound is too fresh.  Maybe when I'm looking back on the scar, I'll be able to speak about this without getting teary-eyed.  Maybe not.

The conundrum I'm faced with is this: Would I rather not have ever received my revelation and kept living in blissful and ignorant madness, or should I look at this revelation as a blessing, because I'm no longer ignorant anymore, even though it's putting me through the ringer? 

Musical Mode: Classical All the Way

For most of you non-classical listeners, these couple of pieces should be fairly easy to recognize.

Felix Mendelssohn - Spring Song


Antonio Vivaldi - Four Seasons


Frédéric Chopin - Nocturne in E flat Minor Opus 9 Number 2


Claude Debussy - Claire de Lune


Johannes Brahms - Hungarian Dance No. 5


Johann Sebastian Bach - Toccata and Fugue in D Minor


Wolfgang Amadeaus Mozart - Piano Concerto No. 21 Andante


Ludwig van Beethoven - Fur Elise

Musical Mood: Hip-Hop Used to Love Me

I'm in one of my nostalgic moods again and this time it's all about hip-hop.  Not that whackness flowing so easily from your radio nowadays.  But that music that made you think, dance, and feel good about what the artist was doing all at the same time.  Let's get it!

GangStarr - Skillz


Camp Lo - Luchini (This is It)


Lord Tariq & Peter Gunz - Deja Vu (Uptown Baby)


Ill Al Skratch - I'll Take Her


Black Sheep - This or That


Boogie Down Productions - My Philosophy


Clipse - The Funeral


Blahzay Blahzay - Danger

HIP-HOP

1979-1999

Rest in Beats

Let's Have A Moment of Silence Please...

Did I Miss My Calling?

Lately it has seemed as though everyone and their mothers are calling on me for advice or just to lend an ear.  I don't have a problem with that at all.  It simply makes me think that I may have missed my calling.  Or at least one of them.  I love people and I hate to see people in pain.  I'm always looking for new ways to inspire others to reach their goals or solve their problems.  I think the biggest reason I couldn't be a psychiatrist is that I'm way too empathetic.  I would probably take on my clients' issues and start to feel overwhelmed.  I wouldn't know how to leave it all at the job.  But maybe, just maybe, I have another gift that I never fully explored.

Glow - Kirk Whalum

Many of you out there may not have an appreciation for jazz and I totally don't respect that.  LOL.  However, this is beautiful, contemporary jazz at it's finest. 

Mercy

I'm not a huge fan of Duffy's voice, but the good vibrations felt in this song are simply infectious.  I dare you not to at least bob your head on this one.

Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now!

For real this is one of my favorite songs.  It's actually the final song of one of my favorite 80's movies.  I would ask you if you knew which one it was, but the clips actually show throughout the video so we'll just move on pass that.

#43 Appreciation

I might be on a sports-minded focus of life right now and I'm not quite sure why.  But lately, all things football and baseball related have really been on the top of my fascination lists.  As of right now I'm all about 1 man in particular - Mr. Polamalu.  First of all he's a Christian who's not afraid to say that he's a Christian.  We all know how uncool it is for most famous people to profess their belief and love of God.  Secondly, he's one of the best defensive players out there and that's the truth.  Amen.  You know you're good when you become injured yet you are a strong enough player that you still get drafted because your previous performances and dedication are unmatchable.  Say that! 

Now, I'm not going to act like I'm all ESPN'd out and such (like some of you - I'll refrain from naming names), but I grew up watching tons and tons of football.  I had relatives who played in high school and college and if we didn't support them, then the world just wasn't going to rotate.  Don't believe me?  Ask me why I know all that I know about Miles Austin.  He's my cousin and I have had no choice but to scream like an idiot when he's on the field.  That's how they roll in the deep south. 

So, I've learned how to appreciate good, and yes, great athletes.  As I said with my baseball clip of Mr. Kownacki, I am all about giving props where they are due.  And this man definitely deserves them. 

Musical Mood - Country Throwbacks

Oh yes, I love country music.  I am a singer/songwriter so I appreciate good writing when I hear it.  Music is an expanse of one's soul.  At least it should be.  Enjoy!

Reba McEntire - Why Haven't I Heard From You

She really is my favorite country singer.  Wait until I do my all Reba blog.

Brooks & Dunn - Boot Scootin' Boogie

Did you hear the honky tonk piano and guitar?  Get down.  Turn around.  Go to town.  Boot scootin' boogie!

Garth Brooks - Thunder Rolls

Ominous and beautiful.

Deana Carter - Strawberry Wine

There's a live version of her singing this in 2007, but for those who may've never heard the original I decided to go this route.

Dolly Parton - 9 to 5

I went waaaaay back on this one.  Deal with it.

Trisha Yearwood - How Do I Live?

I love this version.  It makes me want to go watch ConAir right now.

That's all for today.

Death At A Funeral

I'm not going to go into a full review of this movie.  Movie reviews aren't really my strong point.  I tend to give too much away.  But, I will say this: It was actually pretty good.  Large ensemble casts of well-known and pretty-well-known (sp?  I just made that up) actors tend to lack something.  However, for a movie about a funeral the large cast really worked. 

My main reason for writing this is to laude praises onto one actor in particular - James Marsden.

The movie made me laugh, every now and then, with all of the various characters and antics.  But the movie was HILARIOUS because of James Marsden and his portrayal of his character.  The man, who has played Cyclops in the "X-Men" movies, romantic leading man in "27 Dresses", & Prince Edward in "Enchanted" is a comedic genius.  It makes no sense to be that funny and that on point every single time the camera is on you.  He was the only reason I'd watch the movie over and over again. 

You may not have planned on seeing this film, but if you get a chance, when it becomes available On Demand or in a Redbox somewhere, pay the $1 and get ready to laugh-out-loud. 

One more thing, be prepared to hear "Amazing Grace" sung in a way that you have never heard before.

So Damn Unpretty

Something that you said left me feeling so ugly.  So gross.  So repulsive.  So unattractive.  So hideous.  So grotesque.  So.  Damn.  Unpretty.

Close Call

So, the DeKalb County police just left the house and um, yeah, well no one went to jail. How can I sum this up in as few words as possible? Basically, my bff and I were play-fighting in her room. She was trying to push me off of her bed and I was trying to stay on the bed. In an attempt to get me off the bed, she said she was going to call the police. About 3 minutes later she picked up the house phone and dialed 911. As she was dialing I laughed and told her that wasn't a good idea. I guess she pressed the talk button (even though I didn't see that part) and then hung up. I told her that if she called them, they were going to call back.

Sure as day, they called back. Twice actually. Well, the second time they called, I told her to just answer the phone and tell them something like "my kids were playing with the phone" or something of that nature. She was like, "at 3 a.m.?" Good point. But saying that was better than not answering because they always show up when they get no response. I told her they were going to come to the house. And sure enough, 15 min. there was a knock on the door.

They knocked for almost 5 min., then as I was heading to the tenants room to alert them of the situation (which, before the tenants answered their room door, they turned on their room light) the doorbell rang. I told the tenants what was going on and they made a bee line to the garage. I told bff that the tenants had turned on the light (which faces the street) and she told me to go in the room and pretend that I was sleeping. So, I did. But I knew, from experience, that they weren't going to give up that easily.

They eventually wanted to see me. They asked us if there was a man in the house. Well, bff said "no" so I had to say "no" as well. I didn't know why she lied about that until the officer said, "Are you sure? Because the operator said that when she called back, a man answered the phone and said that everything was fine and there was no emergency." Oh, that's what happened. That's why they didn't believe her and didn't want to leave.

The officers, 2 females by-the-way (one in late 20s early 30s and the other early to mid-40s), finally said they would leave. I left and went to the rest room for the last 3 minutes of their visit and when I came out, bff was telling the male tenant that he shouldn't have answered the phone. He said he didn't know who it was, even though the caller ID clearly stated who it was. Gots ta be mo' careful. I'm going to bed now.

The Police Have Been Notified

So, the DeKalb County police just left the house and um, yeah, well no one went to jail.  I'm going to bed now.

Giving Props Where They Are Due

I'm not even a mild baseball fan.  The only time I've ever truly enjoyed the game is when I'm watching it live.  And even then, I usually can't do all 9 innings.  But this clip of Brian Kownacki is stupefying.  I really have to give props where props are due.

Musical Mood - Love Throwbacks (Female Edition)

You can never have too much love.  By-the-way, it wasn't my intention to separate the men and women, it just happened that way.

Stephanie Mills - I Feel Good All Over


Regina Belle - This Is Love


Anita Baker - Just Because


Shanice - Saving Forever for You

That phone was huge!

Whitney Houston - You Give Good Love (live)

I had to post this live version because the woman was just phenomenal at 22.

Okay, now I'm really done with the love songs for the night.

Musical Mood - Love Throwbacks

The last thing I posted kind of got my nerves rattled, so I'm going to try to take it down a notch.  It's all about love right here and these are some of my favorite old-school, often-forgotten, underrated (maybe overrated depending on who you ask) love songs. 

Troop - All I Do


Freddie Jackson - Nice & Slow

Michael Michelle was all over Freddie's videos.

The Deele - Two Occasions


Jodeci - Forever My Lady


After 7 - Baby I'm For Real


Trey Lorenz - Someone to Hold


Alright, that's enough love for now. 

The White House Just Got Dark

A Facebook "friend" of mine posted this up on her status message early this morning: DEAR LORD, THIS YEAR YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTOR, PATRICK SWAYZIE.  YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE ACTRESS, FARAH FAWCETT.  YOU TOOK MY FAVORITE SINGER, MICHAEL JACKSON.  I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW, MY FAVORITE PRESIDENT IS BARACK OBAMA.  AMEN.

Are you frickin' kidding me!?  What in the name of all that is good and merciful causes someone to create something like that and what makes someone click on "Like" to something like that?  You mean to tell me that you would rather see a father, husband, son, nephew, cousin, loved one to other people dead because you don't "agree" with his command of our nation?  Did you feel that vehemently about George Bush when he was tearing up the Iraqi countryside, sending thousands of young men and women to a dusty, sandy grave, trying to make amends for the injustice he felt was done to his father?  He could tell the general public all day long that this ignorant war was started because of 9/11, but the truth of the matter was that he used that horrible event as a catalyst to seek revenge on those who'd thwarted his father a decade earlier.

They even went on to click the "Like" button for "Don't blame me, I voted for McCain".  You honestly think that John McCain would be fairing much better dealing with the slaughter of fiscal management left behind by Bush, Jr.? 

I was in such disbelief that I couldn't even formulate a clear sentence for an hour.  It physically pained me to know that after all that this country has been put through, people still see others as a skin color.  For all of Barack's education, stability, leadership abilities, transparency, willingness to admit when he's been wrong or ill-advised, many will only see him as a nigger that should've never taken office.  And if they could, they would call for a lynching on the front lawn of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW. 

It's unconscionable to me that someone would wish death on someone else simply because they think that person is wrong.  I couldn't stand George Bush, Jr. but I never wanted the man to die.  I knew that even though I didn't like him, he had people who cared about him and who would miss him deeply if he were to die.  I didn't want him dead, but I certainly wanted him out of office.  And here's the thing: his race and presidential ability never tied together for me.  Why?  Well, all of the president's up to him were Caucasian.  So what did I have to base my dislike and distrust?  His actions.  Period.  I based the bad taste he left in my mouth on his actions.  Nothing more, nothing less.  That's how I look at any former president - ultimately, what did they do for the United States of America?  That's the main question I work from. 

But now that we have an African-American president in office, white people are ready to over-turn Abe Lincoln's proclamation and ship us all out to the cotton fields. 

God, my heart hurts just knowing that.

Blogging Tonight

I know that I haven't written in a few days and I'm sorry about that.  I told myself that when I started this blog, I'd be consistent.  Tonight, I'm in a blogging kind of mood.  There are a lot of things on my mind and for the time being, this is the best forum to let it all hang out.  Bear with me as I get into a posting frenzy.  Gotta love it.

Wanna Be Happy

There are so many things in life that I really, truly, in my heart-of-hearts want.  But the one thing that stands high above the rest is the desire to be happy.  Not for a few hours or for a few days, but for a lifetime.  I know that rainy days are going to come.  I appreciate the rain, for without it, the flowers cannot grow.  But I don't want a life filled with torential rains.  I want to know that when they lay me in the ground, I had more happiness than I knew what to do with - my happiness was infectious.  Dear God, how do I get to that place?  How do I obtain infectious happiness?  I'm asking because I truly want to know the answer.  Can you help me find the way?

I Write, Therefore I Am

I'm about to write something.  Yes, I realize that I am currently writing now, but that's not what I'm talking about.  I'm talking about one of my projects.  I'm about to get on top of the ball and write for dear life.  I've done a bit of researching and I've found some interesting tidbits and motivation.  So, I'm all geared up to write even more.  I'm just praying that my wrist will hold up over the next few days.  Since I'm half way done with one project I'm hoping to have it completed by the end of next week.  I would say this weekend, but I don't want to psych myself out.  I'm pretty good at doing things like that.  Well, I'm out.  Happy writing!

Some of My Favorite Comedy Shows Right Now

If you don't know, you may wanna ask somebody.

One of My Favorite Funny Guys

Alec Baldwin is a comedic genius.  I know that he's not a comedian per se, but the man has comedic timing that rivals that of some of the biggest comics out today.  What's amazing is that he didn't start off in comedy roles.  He was the dark, deep, heartthrob.  But as he's gotten older, he's learned how to play on his dry wit and underrated comedic chops.  He's fricking awesome.  Don't believe me?  Watch him on 30 Rock or check him out in Fun With Dick and Jane.  Even in the horribly done Cat in the Hat, he's worth paying attention to.  I love this man!

In A Musical Mode

Think Of You

It's 2:19 in the morning and all I can do is think of you.  I've taken my sleeping pills and I'm so tired, but the thoughts of you outweigh my desire to go to sleep.  You have no idea how much this unnerves me.  By-the-way, this isn't about love, I just liked that picture and wanted to use it.  Now, I must post the accompanying song.

My Fascination with The Sims 3

I'll admit it.  I have a problem.  I love the Sims franchise.  From the original to the next installment (The Sims Aspirations) I've been the biggest fan.  The game isn't for those who require blood and sport and things of that nature.  It's for control freaks, like myself.  I think the biggest allure for me is that because I rarely have control over the things that happen in my day-to-day life, I can control any and everything that my created characters do.  When it first came out, people were saying that some players were getting a god-complex.  They were living vicariously through their Sims.  Not me, I know the difference between fantasy and reality.  I just like living in fantasyland every now and then.

I Just Threw Up In My Mouth A Little Bit

It is 3:25 in the morning and I am seriously sick to my stomach.  Why?  Because I just heard my bff's tenants having sex and I am completely overcome with pain.  I can actually still hear them through the wall and a nice picture does not it make.  If you knew what they looked like, you would be in the throws of shear terror right now like I am.  Let me turn on my music because the white noise from the fan is not getting the job done.

Pet Peeve of the Day

I absolutely hate it when someone calls you on the phone and you miss their call, but you call them RIGHT back and they don't answer the phone.  So then you wait a few moments and try again and they still don't answer the phone.  So you leave a voice message explaining what happened and they don't get back to you until hours later.  I can't stand that.

Creedence Clearwater Revival

Yes, I like all kinds of music.  Hear that bass line as it does what it does.
My question is do you like the original or John Fogerty by himself best?

Nostalgia

For some reason, over the past few days, I've really been missing high school and every thing that came with it.

I miss the pep rallies, the phenomenal slam dunk games, the football and basketball rivalries of LCHS and Bradwell Institute, the choir, the band, Mr. Etheridge, Ms. Priester, Ms. Patterson, Ms. Bingham, Mrs. Scott, Coach Wallingford, I miss the commens area, I miss having a locker in A hall and three classes in C Hall, checking out the maximum number of library books (yes, I was and still am a huge reader), choral trips, lollipop fundraisers, singing the Star Spangled Banner at b-ball games, slam books, slouch socks, biking shorts underneath tennis skirts, combat boots with band-aids on them, 60's & 70's day, tacky day, black and gold day, prom committee, prom, jrotc military ball (no, I was not in JROTC - my boyfriend was), basketball players - male of course, 2nd lunch (it was the best because it split up AP English), SATs, ASVAB (just took it to get extra credit on our AP US Government final), telling the many recruiters that the military wasn't for me even though I scored exceedingly well on said ASVAB, just knowing that I had my whole life ahead of me, the music (Jodeci, Boyz II Men, Tupac, Biggie, Total, 112, Kut Klose, SWV, Jade), the television shows, the laughter, the good times, the fabled innocence.  Dang I miss 1993-1997.

Algebra Blessett

Impatient

I was just called "impatient".  I'm wondering if that's true.  I guess this should be some type of answer seeing as though I literally was called that 2 minutes ago and now I'm writing this entry.  When I think about it, I guess I do have something of an impatient streak.  But, I believe that's because people take forever to do eh-ver-ree-thing!  Things that shouldn't even take that long are drawn out - I've seen people take 50 minutes just to cook 3 minute grits.  It doesn't have to be that way.  And yes, I just exaggerated, but this is my blog and I can do what I want. 

When Did This Happen?

I remember, that as a child, I had the biggest imagination of all of my friends.  I had dreams and plans that seemed immeasurable.  I was ready to take on the world.  I wasn't afraid of anything or anyone. 

When did it all change?  Was it after my first "adult" heartbreak?  Or was it after the first time someone told me that I couldn't sing as well as someone else?  Could it have been after the first time I broke someone else's heart?  Maybe it was the day I realized that I was going to have to work extremely hard to get whatever I wanted because I didn't know anyone that could and would just give it to me?  Whenever it was, I can tell you this much - it put a serious cramp in my style.

Deniece Williams

Yes ma'am this is a serious classic.  Act like you know and recognize greatness when it's presented to you. 

Monica

This song has really been in my spirit for the last few weeks.

Sugarland

One of the best songs EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pat Benatar

This song has been in my head for the past few days.

Haven't Forgotten About Steve

Yes it has been a minute since I blogged about my views of Steve Harvey's book and I know I promised to write after I finished each chapter.  But some things have come up and taken priority over my immediate intentions.  Don't worry, I plan on writing a few words on the last chapter by the end of the weekend.  You have my word on that.  Word.

It's Finally Here!

The video production of my play "Speaking to the Heart of a Man" has finally arrived and it's ready to go!  Thank you, Lord!  It's been nearly 8 months.  Can you believe that?  Wow!

What is Wrong with You?

A male friend of mine made some statements to me about us and how he wants to keep things on a platonic level.  When the hell did we go past platonic was my question to him.  He told me that since he's been having some serious fantasies about me, he just assumed that I was feeling him in that manner as well.  But he decided that since I'm a romantic and I believe in love and butterflies and hearts and all that gushy stuff, it wouldn't be a good idea to jump in the bed with me.  Excuse you?  Mr. Conceited can sit right on down with that.  Men, don't slip up and make the mistake that because you are somewhat attractive and cool to be around that every single woman you meet is trying to make you her dude.  That will get you the tongue-lashing that I gave Mr. Conceited.  I hate having to explain myself to fools, but this was a necessary departure from my norm.  I told him that the thought of sleeping with him wasn't on my mind because I knew how he treated the bedmates in his life.  They were nothing more than objects to be used and discarded in his warped bachelor-for-life mind.  I'm not trying to be discarded by anyone not worthy of being with me. 

Furthermore, I do have the ability to compartmentalize and see a situation for what it is.  If two grown people can consent to doing what they do when they're alone and they can handle whatever comes from that, then I can get on board with that.  It depends on who the people are.  However, don't take my wanting to spend time with you for me wanting to jump on your d***.  Maybe I just haven't seen your half-ignorant behind in months and wanted to hang out with you.  On top of that, we were originally talking about going to a club.  A frickin' club.  I was driving and he was gonna drive with two of his friends.  How does that translate to "let me do some naughty things to you"?  Dang it man, the nerve of some men! 

I'm not opposed to the idea of sleeping with a man who is a friend, but don't come at me like you're the last slab of beef on this farm.  I'm well worth taking time out for, but desperate is something that I'm not. 

He might've just pissed me off with that.  Can you tell?  Let me be 100% with you, he's a nice looking guy, but he messed up one day and told me about some of his sexual exploits and they completely turned me off.  So any thought I may've had about being intimate with him went out of the window YEARS ago.  Don't tell me about how you're basically a selfish lover and you like to get in and get out and think that I'm going to line up to experience your selfishness.  I'm good.  I'll pass!!

A Little Bit Irked

Basically the title says it all.  I'm a little bit irked right now.  I went out on a limb and asked someone to do something for me and they didn't come through.  I could go on a diatribe about how I do exactly what they ask of me regardless of what else I've got going on, but I won't.  Alright, I've got that out of my system and now I can move on.  How was your day?

Beside You

As I lay here beside you
I stay here beside you.
I find the desire to play here beside you.
I'm comfort beside you.
I'm ruffled beside you.
I feel longing is doubled beside you.
Life is prequeled beside you
Then sequeled beside you
And I am equaled beside you.
I meditate beside you.
I hesitate beside you.
The world, I contemplate beside you.
I am caring beside you.
Even daring beside you
To begin sharing my heart beside you.
I call your name beside you.
I hear your pain beside you.
I feel insane and tame all at once beside you.
I am flooded beside you
Often gutted beside you
To raw unadulterated nothing beside you.
I whisper beside you
And I quiver beside you.
Blissful memories arise and flitter beside you.
I wish this was virginity beside you.
I wish you saw me beside you.
I wish you knew I was true peace beside you.
Look no further than beside you.
Hold no other hand beside you.
Remember you can love demand with me beside you.

~Shamika I. Austin

Why Me?

Why do I want someone who doesn't realize that he wants me?

Why am I 30 years old with no children, no husband, no house, no car?

Why do I have moments when I think I'm pretty and others when I think I'm the scurge of the earth?

Why am I such a huge fan of the arts?

Why can't I say what's really on my mind when I'm around you?

Why am I the biggest dreamer in life?

Why did God make me so sensitive?

Why can't I be more cold-hearted?

Why did I give the men I've given chances, chances?

Why does it bother me that you've taken others out, but you've never taken me?

Why do I dream about the same guy every night?

Why do little children make me smile so brightly?

Why can't I just be the person who walks past homeless people and not give a damn?

Why do I have the ability to blend into any social situation in which I am placed?

Why did I grow up with no siblings?

Why was I really given up for adoption?

Why do I sometimes feel unlovable?

Why can't I be skinny and petite?

Why do the movies "Stepmom", "Meet Joe Black", "Up", "The Lake House", and countless others make me cry?

Why am I a crybaby?

Why was I popular in high school?

Why was I popular in college?

Why do I feel like I stay in the middle of a storm?

Why won't anyone take a chance on me?

Why am I intimate when he's just getting laid?

Why can I always find a reason to laugh out loud?

Why am I a beast in the kitchen?

Why don't I drink?

Why am I afraid of the silence?

Why do I miss my grandmother right now?

Why do I love my lips but hate my hips?

Why am I crestfallen?

Why do I dislike bell peppers so intensely?

Why does it bother me when Charlie Wilson sings "onliest one"?

Why have I found new inspiration?

Why do I have new motivation?

Why am I beginning to doubt my calling?

Why am I such a passionate being?

Why am I proud of my skills?

Why can't I always paint with all the colors of the wind?

Why am I nostalgic?

Why do I love words?

Why am I terrified of failing and succeeding?

Why do I love myself?

Why do I care what others think of me?

Why am I a walking conundrum?

Why do I look good in a sexy pair of heels?

Why am I sexy today?

Why haven't I visited Spain and Italy yet?

Why am I most alive when I meditate on death?

Why did I write any of these questions?

Why am I petrified of the answers?

I'm Very Appreciative...

 

 

I Want You to Be the You You're Always Telling Me About

Am I wrong for being the consummate cheerleader?  I used to think that men appreciated and desired women that rooted for them.  I'm not so sure anymore.  In the past 3 years alone I've met nearly a dozen African-American men with unimaginable "potential".  I've encouraged them, massaged their bruised egos, supported their endeavors into personal revelation, and shown that I would gladly take them for face value, but I'd rather have them with their complete appraised worth intact.  Nevertheless, they buck my "you can do it"'s at every turn.  Maybe it wouldn't be so frustrating if they were truly ignorant of who they could be.  But they have complete knowledge of that person.  They just run, in an unnerving show of terror, from that greatness.  It saddens me to see the men who have no inkling of how to be real men running the show, because it should be these men of ridiculous, history-making "potential" that should be the visage that school-aged boys look up to.  How do you look up to someone who can't seem to look at himself?  Sometimes, I wish I had a desire for thugs and men of no moral countenance.  Because they, unfortunately, don't seem to be ashamed of what they want.  Silly me, I have the audaciousness to want the tortured, self-effacing, love-deserving, but love-fearing, inculpable, beautiful but darkened souled, gogeous being that slips up and shows me a rare yet oh so pure glimpse of themselves. 
You can't save 'em all, Mika.

The Evolution of Evony & I

So it is 2:35 a.m. and I am wide awake playing the online game Evony.  I have become somewhat addicted to it and I'm not quite sure why.  I mean, it's fun and pretty even-keel, but it's not like any of my beloved Sims or race car games, so I don't know why it's captured most of my attention.  Maybe it's because the game is about conquering, ruling, and climbing the socialistic imperialistic ladder.  Or maybe it's simply that a friend of mine hipped me to it, I tried it out, and I'm one of those people who hates to leave something alone until she's mastered it.  Yeah, that's more than likely the reason.  If you're into a minimally-paced, rule the world kind of game, this is the one for you.  Oh, did I mention that it's FREE?  Well it is.  FREE, baby!

Try it out: Evony Free Forever!

Steve Said It: Our Love Isn't Like Your Love

I finished this chapter a few days ago, but I had to take a moment to digest it before blogging about it.  First off, let me give you a quick (or as quick as I can be) summary of the chapter.  Steve Harvey basically tells women that men are not going to gush for days on end about how much they love.  They're going to do their absolute best to show it in the most simplistic manner possible with the aid of profession, provision, and protection.  Either we women take the love the way it's being offered or run the risk of continuing to be alone.

How many times have I wondered why I was never called so-and-so's "girlfriend" or his "lady"?  It seems that although I claimed him and was spending all of my valuable time on him, he didn't see me as claimable.  This is probably one of the most obvious signs of relationship-mindedness and I have constantly over-looked it.  What was wrong with me?  This is something I even recall discussing amongst my girl friends.  Evidently, I knew what was what, I just chose to ignore it.  Maybe I was thinking that the guy was different, so he didn't revel in titles.  How romantic was that?  Regardless of what excuse I made up in my head or that he gave me to stop me from pushing the "why don't you call me your girlfriend" questions, the bottom line is that I knew the answer all along: To him, I was just a pleasant distraction and was never intended to be a permanent fixture in his life.

Provision and Protection basically work hand-in-hand for me.  I've had a few really great boyfriends.  They would go out of their way to make sure that I had not only what I needed, but just about everything that I wanted.  And I could go to them at any time that I felt threatened or stressed out.  It was almost as if they knew "fighting" for my honor was just as invaluable to my heart as making sure that I was taken care of.  Unfortunately, Steve was right about one thing, men have been told that "providing" for a woman is a sign of weakness and we women have been made to feel as though asking a man to provide makes us look like money-hungry, whores.  But that's wrong.  From the dawn of time, men were the hunters, the providers, the ones who shouldered the responsibility of making sure that the family ate, survived, and lived.  Women made the house a home.  They made sure that the family thrived, was comfortable, and enjoyed the life the man provided.

We women have allowed a screwed up social ideal to overtake what we know to be good, true, and ordained.  A man may decide that he doesn't have to profess his desire to be with me forever, and that he doesn't have to provide for me, and that he doesn't have to protect me.  That's fine.  But I've decided that I don't have to accept that kind of man.

Steve Said It: What Drives A Man

Who he is. What he does. How much he makes. Those are the three forces that drive men, according to Steve Harvey. In his opinion, it's not until a man figures out those answers that he will make a committed step towards being in a relationship with a woman.

I wanted to yell and scream that I am the kind of woman who doesn't believe that a man should have to do this by himself. I wanted to make the case that I wouldn't be the kind of woman who would simply look at what a man does and how much he makes and use that as the deciding factor as to whether I could be with him or not. I'm loyal, trust-worthy, supportive, strong, and all of those other adjectives that ought to make a grown man jump for joy when he spots them. However, Steve cut that down pretty effortlessly on page 17, paragraph 1, sentence 4. Evidentally men won't be able to recognize any of my amazing "ride or die" characteristics unless they've figured out who they are, what they do, and how much they'll make.

I wish I would've known this years ago. I promise you it would've saved me so much heartache. Because I always see past the exterior, I have a tendency to fancy a man's potential. If I believe that he has the potential to be a great man who just hasn't come into his own, I'd try and work with him. However, I always ended up feeling under-appreciated and thoroughly dejected. This was never a quick, painless process. It always pulled at my heart strings and I couldn't understand what I'd done wrong. Why did it feel like these same men who were intelligent, funny, witty, charming, handsome, and caring didn't know how to trust that I was there to have their backs? Now things are becoming a bit clearer. Many of them didn't or don't know who they are, what they do, or how much they'll make. They were lost in some way, and because men don't normally like to ask for directions, they were unable to get to the main street. And since they were lost without a clue as to where they were going, they couldn't afford to emotionally take on another traveller. They didn't want to be responsible if both of us ended up stranded in the wilderness.

Whoda thunk it?

A New Reading Adventure

Tonight I will start reading Steve Harvey's "Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man". The plan is to blog after each chapter I read. If I do this, according to plan, it ought to be a lot of fun. Just thought I'd put that out there.

I Can't Explain It All

I just read the last blog that I posted and I'm amazed that the "ask and it shall be given unto you" factor seems to be in play for me. I ran into a former male acquaintance of mine a few weeks ago (online) and we exchanged numbers. We spoke on the phone for one night and he asked me out on a date the very next day. We've had three dates since then and one of them resulted in his coming over to the house, cooking dinner (while I told him what ingredients to add) and simply watching random television with me. Tomorrow we're supposed to go out and see the movie "Avatar" and grab a bite to eat. I'm flabbergasted. But in a good way.

He's not the type of guy that I would normally go for and that was the case years ago, but he's a sweetheart and a gentleman. That accounts for so much in my book. Unfortunately, because I had the nerve to be shallow back in the day, I couldn't see him for what kind of man he really was. I'm happy to see the changes in myself that allow me to look past what I couldn't look past before. He's a cutie pie with the chubbiest cheeks ever! We've joked around that if we have children, they're going to have some huge cheeks. How cool is that - we joked about having children?

I'm hoping to take this slowly, but to do what I can to show him that I appreciate him. Good men are out there, but we women act like we've got so many options that we snub them. That's not my desire at all. He may or may not be "the one", but I plan to treat him like he could be. Because he deserves that.

Sleepless In Atlanta

I am currently watching "Sleepless in Seattle" for the first time ever and I'm wondering if I will ever find real love. Will I ever know the joy that comes from being in a commited relationship again? I'm not one of those people who is in love with the idea of being in love, but I'm a romantic and I crave romance. Not simply romps in the sheet. I want to go out on dates with the same man more than three times. I want a man to see past my physical and what I can do for him in the bedroom. I'm not a prude or anything near that. But, I want the connection between he and I to be magical. I want him to love me just as much as I love him. Wish upon wishes.

Hello

This is one of those days that I look forward to being in the house, lounging in front of the television. The season premier of Leverage is coming on in less than 30 minutes and I cannot wait! Now, I know that this is my first blog, under this account, and I originally wanted it to be something fantastic and thought-provoking, but I changed my mind. I'm content to surf the web, hop on Facebook every now and then, and watch this Leverage marathon. I do have a quick question: What the heck is Usher sing about on this NBA commercial on TNT? It sounds a mess. And I mean that truly in my heart. Ok, I'm done for now. The plan is to make the next post more meaningful. I'll work on that.